The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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