everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
