I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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