We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
