The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
