I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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