I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
