And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
