when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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