It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
