Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
