Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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