please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
stop calling my apartment porn island.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
