mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
