This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
