It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
