So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Randomize
