I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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