Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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