This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
pray to the hookup gods
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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