i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
