Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
