apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
