I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
