well I can't set my house on fire every night
i think i scared a bird with my dick
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
