Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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