i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize