I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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