Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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