It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
