I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize