If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
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