i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize