i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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