I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
