ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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