Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
