Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I skipped work to stalk him.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
