The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
