This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
