So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
