U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
This baby is an asshole
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
