Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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