I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
