watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
