She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
