you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
