do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
