I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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