I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
