and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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