I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
