I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
