just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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