I just saw a hot homeless man
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
