I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
