Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
