her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
