just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I am naked and annoyed.
Randomize
