Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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