No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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