My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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