I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
