Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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